Video games and How magicians can solve war

Just a couple of things I've been thinking about lately... After watching more and more of my friends play video games lately, like halo, and doom and shit like that, I think that they should create a video game called, "Career", that follows the same basic framework of an action video game. You play within the body of the main character so you never see his face, only in this game you start out at like high school graduation or on the main guy's first job interview and you can pick up new "weapons" along the way, but instead of a bazooka or a sniper rifle or a double-barreled shotgun lazer, you pick up weapons like, "confidence", and "a firm handshake" and "a business like demeanor". Your power could be measured in the # of words per minute that you can type or the amount of business contacts you have. And you would have objectives like, "beat your 4th quarter profit margins of the previous year", or "get the O'Brien file up-to-date" and you would have to make quick decisions on your feet...

On another note, I think it only makes sense that every army platoon has a magician. War's would be so much faster...think about it, an enemy soldier is advancing and about to take us out, when all of sudden behind a cloud of smoke, appears 2nd Corporal John Weathersby wearing a cape and he turns the advancing enemy's AK-47 into a rabid squirrel rendering the soldier useless. Even better if the magician in that particular platoon is one of those hypnosis magicians he can make the enemy soldier believe that he is Sally Jessie Raphael... I mean why isn't this already happening? Just like the fashion industry, war has gone through some drastic changes over the years, At first soldier just lined up in front of one another, aimed and fired... then guerilla warfare was all the rage, I believe that this magic fighting is the next phase. I mean you have to be ahead of the curve, you have to create the trend... just askTommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren and whoever invented the shrug... I mean if we don't initiate this strategy someone else will, and we'll be left feeling as lame and out of date as that girl who is still wearing ug boots and blonde streakes in her hair...let's get on it America President Bush and General So and So.

Sabbath Gossip Party, Ya'll!

Oh, Wids, you really are "New York's hottest young gossip columnist"! Who else but someone with your cunning journalistic instincts and hunky polo-player looks could break the story about "Ashtonhacked.com". It must have been sooo tough to get in touch with the highschooler who set this website up. But you went further, because it's in your blood. Next you revealed the first names of the "hackers" who supposedly got into Kutcher's voicemail and stole his messages, other highschoolers that your "source" met while playing Xbox Live. Someone give this man a Pulitzer already! He knows no lengths when it comes to how far he will go for a story, whether it be sitting in his office talking on the phone or sitting in his office writing an email. So thank you, Ben Widdicombe, thank you for saving my day with your oh so important expose. Thank god I didn't listen to those voicemails and think they were real, only to be embarassed by my petty knowledge of the celebrity hoax du jour at the water cooler tomorrow. Gawker was right, you are a hottie. And a very good gossip columnist as well. Read it: "New York Daily News: Gatecrasher"

Lindsay Lohan joins world in prayer

From the "Bizarre" section of London's Sun newspaper:

Lindsay Lohan is trying to put on weight- because she's fed up with having no cleavage.
The 19-year-old star recently sparked concern when she was photographed looking super skinny, but insists she wants to plump up. She told Star magazine: "I'm working out with my trainer now and eating healthily. I want my boobs back!".

Yo Hohan, we've been wanting your boobs back since like late July.

"Are these two fools back at it again?"

After a one year, one month, and twenty-day "vacation" the Culturebots have been recharged and are ready to self-destruct at a moment's notice. We realize that this is now a world where Michael is not a (convicted) pedophile and where Britney is a mother. Of a human (!). We realize that gone are the days where all we dreamt about were Lindsay Lohan's breasts, Bennifer, and the Mary-Kate/Ashley countdown. And finally we realize that we have somehow amassed 30,000 hits on our blog and might as well start writing for an audience who comes to us without us working anyhow. We had forgotten the login information and found it quite ironic that people only started looking at this after we stopped posting. But then it came to us in a dream, where an old witch, played by a drunk Farrah Fawcett, whispered our username and password in our ear and then flew away on a gigantic Xanax. Next, Nick Lachey serenaded us with an R&B rendition of Hank William's "Moanin' the Blues". It was mad crazy, ya'll. So now we're back. Keeping it one with the sun, honeybun. R.I.P. Fred "Rerun" Berry

"Just Asking": Which gossip rag apparently doesn't use fact-checkers, opting to give free coke to publicists instead of caring about journalism??

Today NY cultural icon Page Six printed a rare correction to a story it ran a few days ago about spotting Lily Tartikoff dining with none other than her charming husband Brandon. Normally this would not be big news, but seeing Brandon at Mr. Chow's in August 2004 is some M. Night Shyamalan shit. You see, Brandon Tartikoff, former president of NBC and Paramount, was felled in 1997 after a long and arduous battle against a Hodgkin's-like cancer. Mr. Tartikoff, the brilliant maestro who orchestrated some of the biggest hits in TV history and brought NBC back to #1 after years in the dump, was a mainstay at Mr. Chow's, the glitzy LA haunt known more for it's clinetele than it's food. The Post's flap wouldn't be such a big deal if they hadn't screwed up several other headlines in the weeks past (Boozy Britney, Gephardt is VP) and also if Mr. Tartikoff hadn't been dead for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS! How Page Six, who claims to be the world's greatest gossip page, could not catch such a mistake is incomprehensible. Surely they ran pieces about Mr. Tartikoff's death and no doubt they had special columns devoted to what awesome celebrities showed up at his funeral, so for them to run a byline suggesting they saw him is almost offensive. It's shows a stupidity about the entertainment world and an obsession with stars as "celebrities" and not stars as "people who have a talent". Which is no surprise I guess when realizing that our society as a whole has moved away from admiring people for their skill and artistic endeavors, instead focusing on who is doing what drug or what penis is in what vagina. Way to go Page Six, you ruined a widow's day! You should probably stop the apologies and send some spies to Studio 54. I hear John Belushi is there and he's doing lines off Princess Di's ample bottom.

Why can't I get on a show like this?!

With CultureBot #1 in Boston covering the Democratic National Convention, STB Headquarters is pretty quiet. And scary. So to quell our fears we decidied to flip on our 316-inch Plasma TV and see what was happening on America's favorite channel, UPN. To our humble amazement the greatest show on TV was playing, and we were lucky enough to bask in all it's gloriousness for what we wish was eternity. What is the greatest TV show and what gives me the right to judge said show? "Amish in the City" and because my daddy bought me a judgeship on the World's Greatest TV Show bench. He's rich. But back to "AITC", the best thing to happen to man since robotic vacuums. In the 2 hours I devoted to this maiden of entertainment I saw people laugh, cry, and almost die. Yes, on Mose the Amish's  first-ever trip to the beach he was almost overtaken by a 3-foot wave that came crashing down on him like a wall of cement, nearly knocking him over and surely causing some mild discomfort in his lower extremities (not his penis and testicles, his legs, you fucking perverts).  When interviewed about his near-fatal experience Mose said "The water came in my mouth and I didn't know not to breath in, I just never been swimming before. It just went all in my lungs and I freaked out." That's right Mose, contrary to Amish belief humans do not, that's do NOT, have gills or other aquatic respiratory systems. What we do have is a kickass supercool celebrity-driven society that makes us all not like you just because you are everything we should try to be. You could give a shit about who's cock Britney has her hand on. You can't name Hillary Duff's new movie ("A Cinderella Story").Hell, you don't even care what brand of shirt you wear! Oh, the freedom! We laugh at you without realizing how good you've got it. Sure you have to work on a farm and only go to school until the 8th grade, but you also live in a world without Pat O'Brien! Can you imagine the joy, my fellow planetarians? I can, and I'm writing a musical about it. It's called "Pat O'Brien is Dead To Me. And You Too." We should open in the Spring, provided my dancers get their shit together. To round out the cast UPN has assembled one of the most generic reality show casts ever. There is Reese, the gay Southerner. Nick, the badboy from Boston. Whitney, the token black student. Meagan, a whorish-looking fashion designer. Ariel, the pretty waitress. Kevan (KEY-von), the douche baggiest of them all. Kevan is a white "sales rep" who is trying to figure out what to do with his life. If making me want to vomit was a profession he might have found his vocation. But it's not, yet. So basically the show is about mixing 5 Amish kids with 6 "City Kids" and seeing what happens when people stop being nice and start clashing cultures. The funny thing is you end up liking the Amish kids while resenting the "normal" kids for being everything America has made them. The "Cities" are vain, selfish, obnoxious, immature, phony and pop-obsessed while our Amish counterparts are polite and genuinely excited about their new life experiences and sharing their culture. It's almost like they know something we don't, but we are waaayyyy too afraid for our reputation to even try and figure it out. But that's OK because we're not weird in anyone else's eyes for the way we act, dress, consume, because that's what everyone does. Except those Amish freaks of course.                                                               Ch-Check It Out:  "Amish in the City" Official Site

open call

I would really like to write more, but often times I get to the computer and then just have no idea what to write about.  If you have any ideas, or questions, simply click on the contact Chris button, and i will reply as expediently as i can.  i have no job, and very few hobbies, besides taping celebrity poker, single in the hamptons and looking at espn insider for updates on the Bills.  so forward me your ideas or questions.  Or just send them to me via electronic mail. k, see ya.  wait, remember just ideas, questions or comments, no recipes, k, for real now, you say bye, no you say bye first, wait, no you say it. k, you too, bye